Roland on Relationships

It’s all about people. So when we mess up our relationships with people, it spoils everything. Problem is, most of us live long enough to do just that—mess up our relationship with our kids, our partner, and just about everyone else.

But what really hurts is when you sit there one night and realize that communication has failed between you and someone important to you, and you sense that you are part of the problem. You used to rage and blame, but now you sit there dumfounded and oppressed. You want to redo it all, start over and make things right. But it’s never worked before.

And you don’t know how to make things right. Over and over you tried. First you tried imposing your will on them, then you tried getting angry and threatening. Then you tried being nice, extra nice, to win their favor. Maybe you begged. Perhaps you tried to change them.

Then you tried to change yourself.

Nothing really worked. Each tactic and each manipulation only made things worse. Sure, for a while things seemed better on the surface, but deep down, nothing had changed. You are left with seething resentment—toward them, yourself, or toward life.

So there you sit, finally realizing that your manipulations just don’t work. You might try running away, finding someone new, or throwing yourself into your work—but the truth remains—someone with whom a good relationship is important hates you, communicates with you only out a sense of guilt or duty, or they ran off and want nothing to do with you.

You might even think of doing away with yourself. But that is just another escape, another cop out; and definitely not the answer.

You didn’t start out to mess things up. But that is what happened.

But there is a positive side to reaching rock bottom. Now you are ready for a dose of truth, and you are finally searching for real answers.

Oh, one more thing: in your desperation you may have reached out to counselors and family therapists. They may have done some good. Perhaps both of you (if it’s your partner that you are trying to get along with better) met with the counselor and talked things out. It just may have helped. But often it doesn’t.

It really and truly works only if the counseling is an opportunity to face the truth, and both parties are willing to admit error and be sorry for it. Then real change can take place.

Unfortunately, it is often one party that is ready and willing to change, but the other is intent upon blaming and won’t even admit to their part in the problem.

Divorce? Well, that’s the easy so-called fix that many people reach for. But divorce is devastating, especially for the kids. Sure, if the other person in the relationship is violent, vicious, a drug addict or alcoholic, or cheating on you-–then divorce (or at least a separation) is most likely called for. You have to protect yourself and the kids.

But how about if the other person is a decent person, and you are a decent person? Is divorce the answer? I don’t think so.

So here we are again, back to square one.

Well, take heart. Things may yet change for the better. The problem looks complicated, but the solution is simple.

It’s not your partner. Nor is it that you are not trying hard enough. The problem is that something is missing. The solution is finding what is missing.

Now I will give you a hint (both about what is missing and about where you can find it).

But first an analogy. It is well known that really hard core addicts will never change until they see their wrong, are truly sorry about what they see, and really, really, really want to change. Often this only happens after they see, without trying to deny it, that they have caused the total devastation of their life and other’s lives around them.

Finally they see their wrong and have to admit it with sorrow.

Now they can change. Prior to that, it was all denial, excuses, blame, and manipulations to fool others. Generally the moment of truth—and that is what it is—comes when they hit rock bottom. They wake up one morning in the gutter and ask themselves “why am I here?”

Now perhaps you see what the magic is: real searching for answers to sincere questions, real desire for the truth, and really seeing the need for change.

Another way of saying it is—the person sees that there has to be more to life than selfish pleasure and pain relief. The person starts to really search for the purpose for their existence.

The missing ingredient is truth. Truth is the leaven that leavens the entire loaf.

The truth is like sunlight—it contains both light and warmth. It is so good that it makes you feel bad. It is both tender and stern. It brings new life and hope for the willing soul, and devastates and destroys the old way of living (dying really).

Of course the truth was always there, but the person was not ready to receive it. Most people find a way to accept truth on a shallow level so that it does not penetrate.

The truth must penetrate, and for it to penetrate deeply enough, the person must be willing to accept it.

Truth spoken with love from a friend can wake a person up. But only if the person is willing to accept it without resentment will it do much good.

What the truth spoken with love does is it wakes a person up to the light of truth within. If the person then continues to stay awake because they want to be awake and know the truth – then the light and love of truth will change them and also extend through them and change for the better the world around them.

All you need is to want this light of truth and have a willingness to yield to it and allow it to shape you, and soon your problems will be over.

Bear in mind that this does not mean that all of your issues will disappear. Though some will! Some issues will remain for you to see, understand your error; and then you will be given a second chance to handle the same situation that gave rise to the issues, but this time with wisdom and grace. Things will be different now—you’ll see--because you’ll have the inner light of intuition guiding you moment by moment.

So where does this truth come from? It comes from within. In this light you know without knowing how you know, you intuit, you realize, you regret your errors, your hard heart is softened, and you are chastened.

The truth can do what no one else can do and what you cannot do for yourself—it can change you for the better.

Of course, it goes without saying that this Truth of which I speak cannot be gleaned from books or experts. It cannot be found out in the world. It can be found only within, and it is from God.

When you accept this truth, love this truth, yield to this truth, wait upon this truth, and trust this truth – you are thereby yielding to your Creator. You are accepting and wanting His truth in your life and since truth only comes from Him, you want Him in your life too.

But now here is the beautiful part--it counts with God that you accept the truth when you see it.

You probably won’t, in the early stages, even know that it is from God! You may not even at that point be sure if there is a God. All you know is that you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. You see the truth and are sorry about what you see about yourself. You also see that you cannot change yourself. And you also don’t want to blame or resent anyone anymore. Your conscience has caught up with you. And you don’t try to run from it. That is enough.

Now just go about your life and see what there is to see. Wait for the truth to dawn. Most of your insights will come at odd moments during the day. See, realize, feel a bit of embarrassment or pain over what you see about yourself. Then sigh and feel the burden lifted from you. One day you will come to know just who is taking the burden away. You may even find long held guilt suddenly gone and be puzzled by this. For now, just be grateful and move forward boldly to meet your new life.

Don’t try to change your partner. Don’t try to make anything work out. Just see the need for improvement and wait for the inner light to show you just what your error is. There is little more to do than to just sigh a sigh of relief and press onward.

When you see an error in the light, that error (your resentment of your partner for example) is highlighted so that you can see it. It is something that is out of line and at variance with what is right. The light itself will rectify and make things right.

In fact, just seeing the error is already enough in many cases. God is like a good parent. When the child has done something wrong, the parent is happy and perfectly satisfied when the child sees his wrong and admits it. Nothing else is needed.

This book contains lots of information. Just read what interests you until you get an insight and then put the book down and ponder what you learned. Or just open the book to any page and start scanning. Chances are you will quickly see something of value and meaning: a clue about your relationship (or about what went wrong in your parents’ relationship).

So whether you are in a troubled relationship now, whether you wish to mend fences, whether you are thinking of getting married and don’t want to make the same mistakes your parents made, or whether you have issues that go way back to childhood and what happened to you there--surely there will be something of value here for you.

Finally, I sometimes refer to a little meditation (which is free to download at my website). I have found that it helps a person calm down, get centered and then be attuned to receive delicate insights. Mostly people are so upset all the time that they are lost in thoughts and negative emotions. The meditation simply teaches you how to stand back from worry, doubts, and upsets so it is easier to see clearly and act wisely.

The Center for Common Sense Counseling

Roland on Relationships